The Heart of the Matter: Greater than Life
Recently I watched According to Greta for the first time. It's about a suicidal teen sent to live with her grandparents for the summer because her mom can't deal with her any longer.
A particular part regarding the value of life triggered a 10 year old memory. The grandma's reasoning as to why she wouldn't want to go back to her youthful years were the same reasons I talked myself out of committing suicide at 10 or 13.
I still remember sitting on the kitchen floor with a knife in hand trying to figure out how to end my life. I was only scared of pain.
I can't remember what specific events lead me to that cold floor but I wasn't happy, I was miserable. As I was sitting there debating whether I should follow through or not the cons and pros were being listed.
Pro: I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore.
Sad, well maybe not sad, thing was that was the only pro I could list. The cons heavily out weighed it.
1. It would hurt
2. I'd have to leave my sister to fight alone
3. I'd never know my future spouse
4. I'd never have kids of my own
5. What if my future held more than this
The pro was down for the count that time and life pulled a K.O. until the next battle which ensued time after time. The cons have continued to win and after I received Christ as leader of my life and Savior of my soul, He became the saving grace that keeps me in the ring of life. When I feel that pro tugging at my heart I look toward my Savior who gives me hope and trumps my cons. More than pain and the future I look to Christ and I aspire to live a life pleasing to Him who gave His life to save mine because He saw me as valuable. For me to tear up his precious gift of life and freedom in Him would be a terrible crime.
I can't help but cry as I write this. No, it's not the suicide attempt that brings these tears, that has no effect on me. I'm not embarrassed about it or ashamed of that weak moment. It's the grace and mercy of our Wonderful God who cares for little nobody me. These are the tears of a humbled and eternally grateful soul. And this is why I care about people. This is why I rebuke my friends. I want everyone to experience the full love of Christ.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” -Jesus Christ